My family owned a country store/gas station in the middle of nowhere in south Georgia and I spent the first 22 years of my life working there. In fact, when I worked free as an intern for Ted Turner’s News Station (CNN), I would go home on weekends and run the gas station for cash. Some of the great things you will learn from this career choice are:
1. Knowing what each repeat customer chews, smokes, and rolls on a daily basis. How some people can smoke 4 packs of Dorals each day and not die will become a constant source of dismay.
2. Becoming intricately familier with local comedians and finding infinite joy in clever retorts. E.G. “Do you want a bag with that?” gets ‘I’m bout to bag it!” HAHAHAHA! That never gets old. Even after the 16,000th time it is used on you in a single day.
3. Disseminating consumer feedback and navigating sticker shock. This comes in the form of surprise that eggs at a gas station might cost more than costco.
4. Learning that many people, despite years of training and tutelage, are incapable of placing effluence in or even near the public toilet.
5. People will buy a 4 cent peice of gum with a one dollar food stamp. They will do this ALL DAY until they deplete the entire booklet of food stamps they received. Then they will ask for you to convert $58 in loose change into dollars. This would seem infuriating but by this point you’ve already gone completely insane.
6. You will be shocked to see the same people with nothing to do come in over, and over, and over, and over again EVERY DAY. It makes you want to suggest a pre-planned shopping trip to a larger store to save money, but you won’t because you’ve already gone insane (see #5).
7. You will be handed money that clearly has been placed in an area of the human body that you do not want your hands anywhere near. This will be normal.
8. On a strange note, you’ll develop a near savant ability to make change mentally without consulting the cash register.
9. The juice that is formed at the bottom of a gas station exterior trash can is a romantic blend of beer, rain water, cola, runny diaper, and a new, undiscovered disease. When you empty the trash can, this electrons in this juice are negatively charged and will attract themselves to your body and clothes regardless of your efforts to prevent it. The smell will never, ever come off of you and you will vividly remember it for the rest of your life. In fact, upon death, this will likely be the last sensory memory to flash across your mind.
10. Every customer that comes in from the first of the month until about the 15th will be completely wasted. The fourth week of every month will be the saddest week of your life.
11. You will make many late night condom sales. You will be shocked that some people are in actual need of condoms. You will pray to all Gods that you never be forced to see who (or what) the condom will be used with.
12. You will have some really great customers. One day they’ll ask you to take a check. You will take it. It will bounce. And you will never see them again.
13. The levels of boredom you achieve will do wonders for you later in life, especially when you start writing comedy.
And that’s why I stay in TV.